Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

My blood is increasingly boiling over the fact that I trusted someone to simply do me a favour, which they obliged, now I can't even get a hold of them anywhere. Last weekend for the fashion show, I asked someone to video tape it for me using my camera. She forgot her ticket and by the time the show began she was nowhere to be found. I called her and she was mad that they didn't let her park without paying the $15 dollar charge again. I can understand that, but she left with my camera and today I still don't have it..almost a fucking week later.

I am attached to this camera like flies on rice, so it has been a terrible week because my stressing over it. I cannot do anything about her actions and that really gets me. Everywhere I went I was aggravated by the slightest thing that wouldn't bother me normally. I honestly began to mildly have a melt down.

I sure in hell didn't want to use drugs or anything like that. I just don't understand why someone would be so blatantly inconsiderate. Let go and let God they say at Anonymous Meeting..but I just want to Let go and Let my foot break off in SOMEONES ASS!!

I allowed something that may be in fact "small" grow into something enormous. I can feel the stress all over, and stress my friends is a leading cause of so many ailements. Why am I obsessing, I feel betrayed, hurt, and second class to her fucking life

For the life of me I just want to find her, get my shit and be done...but I know it is not in my power to do so. Don't sweat the small stuff ...let go and let GOD..yeah Yeah Yeah..I am learning now that I have to change my way of thinking cause it could pose a threat to my sobriety whether I believe it or not. I may not go back and use but I can still harbour resentments and carry on the behaviours of a substance abuser. That is something I do not want. Thanks for listening and have a blessed evening.

ciao for now,

Mardi Reid

Family Video Clip

Death and Addiction

This past week I found out that one of the guys I spent 6 months in rehab with, passed away 7 weeks earlier from a drug related heartattack. He was 30 years old. I didn't know what to think when I heard the news. It came out of left field and left me thinking about how important it is not to go back to drugs, especially crack. the gentleman who passed away had quite abit of clean time. he finished school and went out to celebrate the occasion. He ended up drinking and using crack heavily. I was told the heart attack happened while he was asleep. This scares me because an addict can relapse at anytime if not careful, or have a binge night to celebrate something, such as a graduation. Only thing is it may be your final time on this earth. Once clean for x amount of time, the body cannot handle the stress of drug use to that capacity. You the person, believe because you used to do that great of an amount that you can do it again. WRONG!!!

Not only am I afraid of dying a junkie, but it is heartbreaking to think of the many individuals that I have met over time will succumb to the disease. It is depressing but a fact of life. We do have the strength to live "normal" lives as opposed to being in the streets, but we must believe it. We cannot be afraid to be happy or not feel that we are worthy of happiness. I don't wanna hear this news of death of another addict...hey remember so and so...well he got hit by a truck running from the cops..or he was shot and killed in a boched robbery...or he died of a heartattack.., but because THIIS IS MY REALITY..it will continue

Take care of yourselve..

ciao for now,

Mardi Reid

Welcome Back Whitney!!

I tuned into the second part of Oprah Winfreys interview with the legendary songstress, Whitney Houston. I was taken aback on how candid she was this time about her life and the drugs that almost destroyed her completely. Not only the drugs, but her relationship with her estranged husband Bobby Brown. People influence us all the time. Good or bad, they just do. She mustered up the strength, with a little help from family and friends, to finally say goodbye to him, the drugs and the lifestyle. I know exactly what she went through and applaud her for publicly speaking about her ordeal. It is not a glamorous way of living whatsoever, but she's a woman known for just that, her glamour. She showed us humility and vulnerability by letting us see that side of her. I wish her all the best and hope that other struggling addicts can see that it is possible to survive and that it is possible to get back on your feet and never look back, but not forget, the destruction that once crippled our lives. Live strong and God bless.

Got a Plan?

Since turning 35 two days ago, I feel the need to plan out my year. A friend of mine wanted to know where I see myself in five years and I was stumped. Not that I don't know, I just didn't have a plan so I have decided to at least map out my goals for the coming year. It's easier said than done. I am still in the brainstorm mode, as we speak.

Feeling no older than I did 5 even 10 years ago, I have neglected the fact and truth about having spent 35 years on this planet that I NEED TO SERIOUSLY WRITE DOWN AND REALLY GIVE FULL ATTENTION TO MY FUTURE. I am not getting any younger and time, as we know, waits for fuck all!!!

To be a kid again.."can it be that it was all so simple then"....so true are them words

The Guy In The Glass

I wanted to post this poem because it speaks volumes to me as an addict and it is also so very poignant. I often forget how important true honesty to self is. Life is difficult yes, but so much trouble can be deterred if faith and trust is a part my being. Every last soul on earth can gain strength from this poem, and I am so grateful for such words of wisdom to be present in my life.


The Guy in the Glass

by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934



When you get what you want in your struggle for self,

And the world makes you King for a day,

Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,

And see what that guy has to say.



For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,

Who judgement upon you must pass.

The feller whose verdict counts most in your life

Is the guy staring back from the glass.



He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,

For he's with you clear up to the end,

And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test

If the guy in the glass is your friend.



You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,

And think you're a wonderful guy,

But the man in the glass says you're only a bum

If you can't look him straight in the eye.



You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,

And get pats on the back as you pass,

But your final reward will be heartaches and tears

If you've cheated the guy in the glass.



In grateful memory of our father, the author, Dale Wimbrow 1895-1954

Leaving ..this time with a Smile..

I am proud to say that this was the first time that I stayed away from negative people in Vancouver which in turned made it a fun enjoyable crack free vacation. You don't know how happy I am, since this is the city I was introduced to the plaguish drug. I am really growing up and seeing things, including Vancouver in a different and more positive light. Still wouldn't move back mind you, but knowing I can travel there without fear, is all the reassurance I could ask for!

Vacation Video 1 - Vancouver July/Aug 2009

Slippery Slope

Going on vacation can be truly cleansing for those of us who have addiction problems. It can also rehash feelings that we would rather not have reappear. The feelings of missing out on a good time can really get the demons in ones mind going. I must confess that I did do some drinking over the course of my vacation. Not once did I have any urges or need to find crack. Crack is my biggest and most feared concern that I have, but does that make it okay for me to use other mind altering substances when I know the dangers that are lurking and waiting for the perfect opportunity to take me down. Am I trying to run my show, the show that I have failed at running so many times before. As a matter of fact when it comes to substances, my life has never been okay. Why is it that I still continue to believe that alcohol is okay. I don't go out and get plastered by any means at all, but what I have learned in rehab has made me quite nervous.

I can't help but not think that I do have a handle on the booze consumption, but others insist an addict is an addict is an addict.....I really don't have much use for any type of mind altering drug or alcohol but it feels good when I can sit and nurse "1" beer over a course of an hour and then leave it at that, and be on my way. I realize the slippery slope I have put myself on, and do not want to sacrifice the things I have achieved in such a short period of time. The next relapse is always worse and and mentally unforgiving! As I sit here I am at ease and feel I have done nothing wrong and I believe it is when the feeling of anger and dissappointment fills every inch of my body, that is the sign that something really needs to change.

Vacations are beautiful, and are called vacations for a reason. Take one when you are ready or it will be a vacation you'd rather soon forget!

Real Life Addiction from TV Show Intervention

To Drink or Not to Drink...

If there is anyone that can make you dream and wonder about success and fame and joy..that person would be Michael Jackson. As a child growing up in Hamilton, nobody affected me like the King of Pop. I enjoyed watching reruns of his Jackson 5 television program and always wanted to grow up to be like Mike. When Thriller came out my world transformed immediately. The way he moved, his voice, his style, and tremendous charisma had me daydreaming of one day meeting him or dancing in his videos, wearing his signature coats and glove. Being fsacinated by this truly one of a kind individual gave me a lot of hope over the years when I went through my own trauma. Each song He sings holds such significanse in various times of my life, good and bad. I backed him up when they said so much against him. I felt for him because he never had a normal childhood. Who know if he really wanted the fame but I am glad that he became the iconic figure he is. I am saddened at his untimely Death Today at the age of 50..June 25 2009.., and I am somewhat still in disbelief. As I am watching Headline news , I feel overwhemled and want to cry. I don't cry, but he has been nothing but a positive force in my life. I guess as a person from the outside looking in, knowing only what we have seen and heard over the years through the media is probably better than knowing him in person. Having never been to a concert by him and never seeing him at any range in person., This man remains Godlike to me. I want to make myself clear..He has made such a profound impact in so many lives and I find that truly to be a blessing on his part. God gave us a gift and now needs him somewhere else...God bless the Jackson family and thank you for a gift never to be seen again in my lifetime. Michael Jackson 1958 - 2009

Boredom

In times when life seems so mundane and all you wanna do is choke yourself to death to escape from the monotony, well my friends there are solutions to this problem. The catch is you have to figure it out for yourself. Why are we as addicts bored so often? Well let's take a look at our past and figure it out. In a day of drug or alcohol abuse, my day was set up around my use. I would wake up and the first thing I would do is phone a dealer. The next hour or so I would wait for the dealer to show up with the goods. I would then indulge in the drugs for as long as it would take for it to dissappear. if I still had money to spend, which would be every last dime, I would repeat the whole fiasco until my water ran dry. This is the most painful part: When all is gone I would literally spend hours upon hours trying to muster up ideas to get more drugs. this could take a little time, a whole day, and sometimes longer!

Now that I am clean I have to fill the void of practically 16 hours, give or take, of time that was once filled by drug use. 16 freaking hours is a lot of time to find something to do people. If I didn't have interests already in place before my downslide I would be fucked..literally. So many people that I have met through various rehabs and detox shelters really have no ambition to do anything with themselves. So, it is extremely difficult for them to break the cycle for the simple reason that they rather be messed up then do absolutely nothing with themselves. Sad but I understand it completely.

I understand that it takes time to get a life back on track. This will come with brain messing nothingness. FIND SOMETHING to do. Anything until something sparks your interest. I cannot think that anyone can do this for me. Remember, your friends and family has lives of their own. DO NOT count on them to bail you out of yawnville. Leave your home first off. Nothing is gonna come to you if you keep your ass indoors. Trust yourself and know that things will get better. Force a HAPPY DAY because being in constant pity is tired, and the people you want to surround yourself with do not put up with that nonesense for long.

We are still alive, don't forget that, and relatively healthy. There is no reason with all I or anyone else who went through the hell of drug addiction, would allow boredom to send them back to the hell we once cried to be free from!!!!

No Need for Boredom -Scarborough Bluffs

Hike, run, walk, discover the city you live in All over again or for the very first time!