Family Matters

I am the tenth child of eleven children. It was a circus growing up with most of my siblings being involved in and around my upbringing. When I see single child families, I can't imagine what a bore it would be to not have individuals to turn to, or depend on at any given moment. Mind you, the flip side is there is a lot of competition and differences of opinion in a large family. As we all know, each and every child views their own upbringing differently than the next child. What I may have thought was awful or difficult to deal with, any one of my siblings may view it totally different. I find it fascinating because since we all grew up under the same roof, ate the same food, watched the same television screen ( the 80's most households in my neighbourhood had only one TV and 13 channels...can't forget the U channels..lol) Anyways, what I am learning about myself is that based on my own experiences in the mish mash of the ups and downs, my self confidence did not develope to protect me from self sabotage. I would take everything that was said to me literal and would completely shutdown. By the time I was 5 years old the chaos that ensued in my household, and not having the necessary coping skills given by my parents, by no fault of there own, was absent. They can only teach what they were taught and can only be held accountable to a certain point.

As I grew and reached puberty I found coping with life skills grew increasingly difficult. I couldn't pinpoint any one thing, but I knew I was feeling increasingly distant from my family. I am not from a huggy kissy household....it was FEAR OF GOD based and very loud. I do not want to disregard the wonderful moments because there were many. When I drank for the first time I had no clue that this, along with some serious drugs, would be my saviour for the next fifteen years. I must say I hid my drug addiction from my family, but they knew I was a problem drinker from the get go. From the start, my mother knew that I had a substance problem because I remember the time I was brought home all bombed up and passed out in the living room. The next day my mother told me she was concerned about my behaviour and never was at ease about my well being ever since. That was 1995.

I love my mother and I love my family. We, nor anybody else for that matter, is perfect and mistakes do occur in family circles. What does matter is that whenever I am in trouble they are there to help me. Protect me. Never did they ever hint at shunning me for my behaviours and I am telling you sometimes it was trying for the family as a whole. My family has a strong but very strange bond but we really love each other for what is important. That is to see that we live a happy life. every one. My siblings and I are all past the age of thirty and have so much more responsibilties then ever before, but I do know this..with what I know and what I have been through ..my family is the first place I will turn to for help.