Martin Up - A Life More "Ordinary"

COURAGE

2010-05-10T22:51:00.003-04:00

THIS VIDEO IS AN UPLIFTING VIDEO TO GIVE PEOPLE HOPE AND COURAGE. A CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE, MATT GAUDET, IS FEATURED AS A SURVIVOR OF A BRUTAL GAY BASHING. HE IS ALSO A FELLOW I SPEND TIME IN REHAB WITH, WHO I RESPECT AND LOOK UP TO. HE IS CURRENTLY CELEBRATING 17 MONTHS OF SOBRIETY. IF HE CAN DO IT, SO CAN ANY OF US!

Warning Signs

2010-03-28T19:47:00.003-04:00

IT IS IMPORTANT THAT WE ALL HELP EACH OTHER IN THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE WHEN FACED WITH ADDICTIONS..HERE IS SOME INFO I FOUND ON drugalcohol-rehab.com..click on blog title for more info on related issues..

Top 10 Warning Signs of Crack Cocaine Abuse

1. Unexplained mood swings and energy levels
2. Burns or sores on the fingers (from a pipe used to smoke crack cocaine)
3. Declining grades and new peer group
4. Extreme paranoia
5. Loss of household cash or valuables
6. Weight loss
7. Associating with others known to take drugs
8. Loss of interest in personal appearance
9. Mark agitation and loss of concentration
10. Altered sleep patterns

There are a variety of additional symptoms that could indicate a crack cocaine addiction. Whether a loved one or you yourself are addicted, it is important to seek help as soon as possible. Being hooked on crack is a vicious cycle. It takes the intervention of loved ones or your own willing to seek help to break that cycle in order to receive rehabilitation. The road back to a normal, healthy life will have some rough navigation within the treatment and counseling settings as well as the withdrawal process. It's important to remember that setbacks are a normal part of the recover process for many. The most important part of the process, however, is making the commitment to get started with treatment. Once this commitment has been made, a better and healthier life can follow.

TRUST

2010-03-17T11:44:00.002-04:00

TRUST. The one thing I have to have when in recovery. That although there may be days when things go wrong and I may slide a bit backwards. I must trust the process of life..that it will lead me to brighter days. That my life is worth something, and that I can make mistakes without burdening myself with self pity. Trust, that my life is the way it's suppose to be and it is traveling the exact route it's suppose to be on..(Mardi Reid)

Trust
by Thomas R. Smith

It's like so many other things in life
to which you must say no or yes.
So you take your car to the new mechanic.
Sometimes the best thing to do is trust.

The package left with the disreputable-looking
clerk, the check gulped by the night deposit,
the envelope passed by dozens of strangers—
all show up at their intended destinations.

The theft that could have happened doesn't.
Wind finally gets where it was going
through the snowy trees, and the river, even
when frozen, arrives at the right place.

And sometimes you sense how faithfully your life
is delivered, even though you can't read the address.

"Trust" by Thomas R. Smith, from Waking Before Dawn. © Red Dragonfly Press, 2007.

The Holidays 2009

2010-01-03T17:36:00.002-05:00

Forget Me Not

2009-12-29T04:47:00.003-05:00

A POEM SENT TO ME BY A FRIEND OF MINE. I ALWAYS FEEL THAT SOMETIMES WE/I FORGET TO JUST SAY HELLO AND SEE HOW SOMEONE IS DOING. IN ADDICTION WE GET CAUGHT UP IN OURSELVES AND LOOSE TOUCH WITH THE ONES WE LOVE....HERE IS THE POEM SENT TO ME:

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Jim died today.'
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might
be too late.

Seize the day. Never have regrets.

And most importantly, stay close to your friends

and family, for they have helped

make you the person that you are today.

SMILE, even through your tears!!!!!

-ANONYMOUS

My Name is Cocaine

2009-12-15T16:57:00.004-05:00

IT HAS BEEN AROUND 15 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST CRACK-COCAINE USE, I AM CONTINUALLY HUMBLED AND BLESSED FOR THE POSTIVE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. THIS POEM IS AN ANONYMOUS PIECE. a POWERFUL REMINDER OF WHAT THIS EVIL SUBSTANCE "WILL" DO TO YOU.

MY NAME IS COCAINE

Beware, my friends, my name is Cocaine,
Crack for short, or the Rock. . .
I entered this country without a passport,
Ever since I’ve been hunted and sought.
I’m more valued than diamonds, more treasured
than gold.
Use me just once and you too will be sold.
I’ll make a school boy forget his books,
I’ll make a beauty queen neglect her looks,
I’ll take a renown speaker and make him a bore,
I’ll take your mama and make her a whore,
I’ll make a school teacher forget how to teach,
I’ll make a preacher not want to preach.
All kinds of people have fallen under my wing,
Just look around, see the results of my sting,
I’ve got daughters turning on their mothers,
I’ve got sisters robbing their brothers,
I’ve got burglars robbing the Lord’s house,
I’ve got husbands pimping their spouse.
I’m the king of crime and the Prince of Destruction
I’ll cause the organs of your body to malfunction,
I’ll cause your babies to be born hooked,
I’ll turn the most honest of men into despicable crooks,
I’ll make you rob, steal and kill
When you’re under my power, you have no will.
I’ve destroyed actors, politicians, and sports hero’s
I’ve decreased bank accounts from millions to zero
I’m a bad habit, too tough for the man,
I’ve caused the law to invest in the battering-ram.
Well now, make up your mind, what will you do?
Remember, my friend, it’s all up to you
If you jump into my saddle, you’d better ride well
For on the white horse of Cocaine, I’ll take you straight to hell.

- ANONYMOUS -

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

2009-10-29T21:24:00.004-04:00

My blood is increasingly boiling over the fact that I trusted someone to simply do me a favour, which they obliged, now I can't even get a hold of them anywhere. Last weekend for the fashion show, I asked someone to video tape it for me using my camera. She forgot her ticket and by the time the show began she was nowhere to be found. I called her and she was mad that they didn't let her park without paying the $15 dollar charge again. I can understand that, but she left with my camera and today I still don't have it..almost a fucking week later.

I am attached to this camera like flies on rice, so it has been a terrible week because my stressing over it. I cannot do anything about her actions and that really gets me. Everywhere I went I was aggravated by the slightest thing that wouldn't bother me normally. I honestly began to mildly have a melt down.

I sure in hell didn't want to use drugs or anything like that. I just don't understand why someone would be so blatantly inconsiderate. Let go and let God they say at Anonymous Meeting..but I just want to Let go and Let my foot break off in SOMEONES ASS!!

I allowed something that may be in fact "small" grow into something enormous. I can feel the stress all over, and stress my friends is a leading cause of so many ailements. Why am I obsessing, I feel betrayed, hurt, and second class to her fucking life

For the life of me I just want to find her, get my shit and be done...but I know it is not in my power to do so. Don't sweat the small stuff ...let go and let GOD..yeah Yeah Yeah..I am learning now that I have to change my way of thinking cause it could pose a threat to my sobriety whether I believe it or not. I may not go back and use but I can still harbour resentments and carry on the behaviours of a substance abuser. That is something I do not want. Thanks for listening and have a blessed evening.

ciao for now,

Mardi Reid

Family Video Clip

2009-10-10T21:49:00.000-04:00

Death and Addiction

2009-10-09T15:53:00.002-04:00

This past week I found out that one of the guys I spent 6 months in rehab with, passed away 7 weeks earlier from a drug related heartattack. He was 30 years old. I didn't know what to think when I heard the news. It came out of left field and left me thinking about how important it is not to go back to drugs, especially crack. the gentleman who passed away had quite abit of clean time. he finished school and went out to celebrate the occasion. He ended up drinking and using crack heavily. I was told the heart attack happened while he was asleep. This scares me because an addict can relapse at anytime if not careful, or have a binge night to celebrate something, such as a graduation. Only thing is it may be your final time on this earth. Once clean for x amount of time, the body cannot handle the stress of drug use to that capacity. You the person, believe because you used to do that great of an amount that you can do it again. WRONG!!!

Not only am I afraid of dying a junkie, but it is heartbreaking to think of the many individuals that I have met over time will succumb to the disease. It is depressing but a fact of life. We do have the strength to live "normal" lives as opposed to being in the streets, but we must believe it. We cannot be afraid to be happy or not feel that we are worthy of happiness. I don't wanna hear this news of death of another addict...hey remember so and so...well he got hit by a truck running from the cops..or he was shot and killed in a boched robbery...or he died of a heartattack.., but because THIIS IS MY REALITY..it will continue

Take care of yourselve..

ciao for now,

Mardi Reid

Welcome Back Whitney!!

2009-09-15T17:06:00.002-04:00

I tuned into the second part of Oprah Winfreys interview with the legendary songstress, Whitney Houston. I was taken aback on how candid she was this time about her life and the drugs that almost destroyed her completely. Not only the drugs, but her relationship with her estranged husband Bobby Brown. People influence us all the time. Good or bad, they just do. She mustered up the strength, with a little help from family and friends, to finally say goodbye to him, the drugs and the lifestyle. I know exactly what she went through and applaud her for publicly speaking about her ordeal. It is not a glamorous way of living whatsoever, but she's a woman known for just that, her glamour. She showed us humility and vulnerability by letting us see that side of her. I wish her all the best and hope that other struggling addicts can see that it is possible to survive and that it is possible to get back on your feet and never look back, but not forget, the destruction that once crippled our lives. Live strong and God bless.

The Guy In The Glass

2009-08-21T02:20:00.004-04:00

I wanted to post this poem because it speaks volumes to me as an addict and it is also so very poignant. I often forget how important true honesty to self is. Life is difficult yes, but so much trouble can be deterred if faith and trust is a part my being. Every last soul on earth can gain strength from this poem, and I am so grateful for such words of wisdom to be present in my life.

The Guy in the Glass

by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,

And the world makes you King for a day,

Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,

And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,

Who judgement upon you must pass.

The feller whose verdict counts most in your life

Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,

For he's with you clear up to the end,

And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test

If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,

And think you're a wonderful guy,

But the man in the glass says you're only a bum

If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,

And get pats on the back as you pass,

But your final reward will be heartaches and tears

If you've cheated the guy in the glass.

In grateful memory of our father, the author, Dale Wimbrow 1895-1954

Leaving ..this time with a Smile..

2009-08-14T05:34:00.003-04:00

I am proud to say that this was the first time that I stayed away from negative people in Vancouver which in turned made it a fun enjoyable crack free vacation. You don't know how happy I am, since this is the city I was introduced to the plaguish drug. I am really growing up and seeing things, including Vancouver in a different and more positive light. Still wouldn't move back mind you, but knowing I can travel there without fear, is all the reassurance I could ask for!

Vacation Video 1 - Vancouver July/Aug 2009

2009-08-13T15:23:00.001-04:00

Slippery Slope

2009-08-05T17:34:00.003-04:00

Going on vacation can be truly cleansing for those of us who have addiction problems. It can also rehash feelings that we would rather not have reappear. The feelings of missing out on a good time can really get the demons in ones mind going. I must confess that I did do some drinking over the course of my vacation. Not once did I have any urges or need to find crack. Crack is my biggest and most feared concern that I have, but does that make it okay for me to use other mind altering substances when I know the dangers that are lurking and waiting for the perfect opportunity to take me down. Am I trying to run my show, the show that I have failed at running so many times before. As a matter of fact when it comes to substances, my life has never been okay. Why is it that I still continue to believe that alcohol is okay. I don't go out and get plastered by any means at all, but what I have learned in rehab has made me quite nervous.

I can't help but not think that I do have a handle on the booze consumption, but others insist an addict is an addict is an addict.....I really don't have much use for any type of mind altering drug or alcohol but it feels good when I can sit and nurse "1" beer over a course of an hour and then leave it at that, and be on my way. I realize the slippery slope I have put myself on, and do not want to sacrifice the things I have achieved in such a short period of time. The next relapse is always worse and and mentally unforgiving! As I sit here I am at ease and feel I have done nothing wrong and I believe it is when the feeling of anger and dissappointment fills every inch of my body, that is the sign that something really needs to change.

Vacations are beautiful, and are called vacations for a reason. Take one when you are ready or it will be a vacation you'd rather soon forget!

Real Life Addiction from TV Show Intervention

2009-07-21T13:10:00.003-04:00

To Drink or Not to Drink...

2009-07-09T22:29:00.006-04:00

2009-06-25T21:58:00.002-04:00

If there is anyone that can make you dream and wonder about success and fame and joy..that person would be Michael Jackson. As a child growing up in Hamilton, nobody affected me like the King of Pop. I enjoyed watching reruns of his Jackson 5 television program and always wanted to grow up to be like Mike. When Thriller came out my world transformed immediately. The way he moved, his voice, his style, and tremendous charisma had me daydreaming of one day meeting him or dancing in his videos, wearing his signature coats and glove. Being fsacinated by this truly one of a kind individual gave me a lot of hope over the years when I went through my own trauma. Each song He sings holds such significanse in various times of my life, good and bad. I backed him up when they said so much against him. I felt for him because he never had a normal childhood. Who know if he really wanted the fame but I am glad that he became the iconic figure he is. I am saddened at his untimely Death Today at the age of 50..June 25 2009.., and I am somewhat still in disbelief. As I am watching Headline news , I feel overwhemled and want to cry. I don't cry, but he has been nothing but a positive force in my life. I guess as a person from the outside looking in, knowing only what we have seen and heard over the years through the media is probably better than knowing him in person. Having never been to a concert by him and never seeing him at any range in person., This man remains Godlike to me. I want to make myself clear..He has made such a profound impact in so many lives and I find that truly to be a blessing on his part. God gave us a gift and now needs him somewhere else...God bless the Jackson family and thank you for a gift never to be seen again in my lifetime. Michael Jackson 1958 - 2009

Boredom

2009-06-17T16:08:00.004-04:00

In times when life seems so mundane and all you wanna do is choke yourself to death to escape from the monotony, well my friends there are solutions to this problem. The catch is you have to figure it out for yourself. Why are we as addicts bored so often? Well let's take a look at our past and figure it out. In a day of drug or alcohol abuse, my day was set up around my use. I would wake up and the first thing I would do is phone a dealer. The next hour or so I would wait for the dealer to show up with the goods. I would then indulge in the drugs for as long as it would take for it to dissappear. if I still had money to spend, which would be every last dime, I would repeat the whole fiasco until my water ran dry. This is the most painful part: When all is gone I would literally spend hours upon hours trying to muster up ideas to get more drugs. this could take a little time, a whole day, and sometimes longer!

Now that I am clean I have to fill the void of practically 16 hours, give or take, of time that was once filled by drug use. 16 freaking hours is a lot of time to find something to do people. If I didn't have interests already in place before my downslide I would be fucked..literally. So many people that I have met through various rehabs and detox shelters really have no ambition to do anything with themselves. So, it is extremely difficult for them to break the cycle for the simple reason that they rather be messed up then do absolutely nothing with themselves. Sad but I understand it completely.

I understand that it takes time to get a life back on track. This will come with brain messing nothingness. FIND SOMETHING to do. Anything until something sparks your interest. I cannot think that anyone can do this for me. Remember, your friends and family has lives of their own. DO NOT count on them to bail you out of yawnville. Leave your home first off. Nothing is gonna come to you if you keep your ass indoors. Trust yourself and know that things will get better. Force a HAPPY DAY because being in constant pity is tired, and the people you want to surround yourself with do not put up with that nonesense for long.

We are still alive, don't forget that, and relatively healthy. There is no reason with all I or anyone else who went through the hell of drug addiction, would allow boredom to send them back to the hell we once cried to be free from!!!!

No Need for Boredom -Scarborough Bluffs

2009-06-17T15:41:00.002-04:00

Hike, run, walk, discover the city you live in All over again or for the very first time!

28 Living On Empty

2009-05-27T00:48:00.002-04:00

I keep a book of journals and when I was 28 I wrote a few poems that helped me through some very rough patches in my life. I guess we tend to do a lot of drawing or writing when we feel lost and need an outlet to vent our frustrations. Anyways this one is called "28 Living on Empty", and it was written on Sunday March 30 2003. All I can say is 6 years fly by very quickly in retrospect......

28 Living On Empty

28 living on empty

28 living so carelessly

why should anybody care

If I can't even stand, to bare myself

13 of those, drinking like a fish

6 of those, snorting powder from a dish

wallowing in pain

turning to guilt and shame

I just can't take this bullshit anymore

treating my body and mind like a suicidal whore

28 living on empty

28 living so carelessly

why should anybody care

If I can't even stand, to bare myself

Certain friends I thought were dear

Were nothing but hungry vultures sitting there

just waiting to devour me whole

misery loves company, so why the hell not my soul

28 still wanting my dream

28 still young or so it seems

I want to build on what I got

and never jump back in that decrepid pot

Nobody said that life would be easy

So I guess I should pull my head out my ass so I can see

That if I don't want to be 68

Thinking of what I could have done

Let's show the world, at 28, I can and will be number 1

I can feel the emptiness starting to subside

I can feel my energy arise

and I know all I have to do

well actually, no I don't..I don't have a clue

whatever it is, I'll do it right from this point, that's true

28 living on empty

28 living so carelessly

why should anybody care

If I can't stand to bare ...MYSELF!

Mardi Reid

March 30 2003

I was in a very confident place when I wrote this. Wanting to stop but had no clue the sacrifise and change I would have to commit to. It scared the hell out of me and that is why it took an additional 5 years for me to come to grips with my addiction. No ones life is free from problems, but I can at least deal with mine apropriately here on in. Like I said before an addict has to constantly be aware of his or her demons. It can and will take up space in our minds if we let. A councillour of mine, Doug R, said never entertain a thought of using..alllow it to entertain you all it wants but stop at that, the thought WILL eventually GO AWAY.

The World is my Oyster

2009-05-14T23:29:00.008-04:00

I have faith that in a sober mind I can accomplish many great things. These "things" I talk of will never come to pass if I return to that lifestyle. I stay clean, my future will be a force to be reckoned with. I do fear the possibilities that are out there, but that is part of the process I must trust.

I remember a time when three young boys (Bata, Phil, and I) would go for long walks after school (grade 5-8) and talk about what we wanted to do when we grew up. Our minds were full of ambition and wonder, hope and faith. Nothing could stop us from becoming the people we felt we would be, chilling on top of a shed outside our school and looking at the clouds that graced the mass scope of our world. It was a beautiful thing, it really was. I remember it like it was yesterday. We eventually grew up and became individuals. Handling the trials and tribulations that passed our way the best way we knew how. My addiction took me so far from the path I was trying to create for myself, the path that saw me enjoying my time on this earth. What I ended up doing was fogging my senses for so long, that I became angry at the time wasted and spent doing nothing but partying and having artificial fun and surrounding myself with artificial people.

Today, things are better. As a matter of fact, the dreams and butterflies that once fluttered within me are back. The world is a place for each of us to enjoy equally, creating a life for myself that I can be proud of and to be able to share it with my loved ones. Closing the book on my goals and dreams that last year I thought were hopeless endeavours that would never amount to anything has dissappeared. I can now say that with my healthy mind and positive thinking, the world truly is my oyster..I only have to take the steps required of me. One foot at a time.

Mes Amie

2009-04-28T13:28:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling grateful over the past few months about how lucky I am , to have had the support I've been given from not only my family, but my friends. They are my extended "family" for sure. A large majority of them I grew up with since grade school and some joined me on lifes road as I grew older. It really doesn't matter when we bonded, but I am a very special person to have had such luck in the friends department .

During my darkest days as an addict, my friends were the ones who kept giving me hope and faith that I can and will beat the disease of addiction. They never made me feel less than and even though I was digging quite a whole for myself they never gave up on the person they truly knew. The power and strength brought on by the words of encouragement from these individuals really was a blessing. A lot of people don't have the support that I have. I hid from them because of various reasons, but still they cared for me and truly concerned themselves with my wellbeing.

I heard once that a true friend is a person who still loves you after all your faults, no matter how bad they are. As a child I didn't have your typical "best friend"..I was more of a drifter and fell into many circles. I grew up with many close friends, although a lot of the time the relationships were sporatic only because of my inability to stay in one place. I met so many people though, and the ones from my youth are still my greatest allies.

I want to mention names but because of the amount of love and support by so many I rather not, in case I forget a few names... ha ha.. You know who you are. I THANK every one..WHO STOOD and CONTINUE TO stand BY ME as I MATURE and GROW and LEARN..and finally EVOLVE into the person YOU ULTIMATELY helped me BECOME.

Family Matters

2009-03-05T21:45:00.000-05:00

I am the tenth child of eleven children. It was a circus growing up with most of my siblings being involved in and around my upbringing. When I see single child families, I can't imagine what a bore it would be to not have individuals to turn to, or depend on at any given moment. Mind you, the flip side is there is a lot of competition and differences of opinion in a large family. As we all know, each and every child views their own upbringing differently than the next child. What I may have thought was awful or difficult to deal with, any one of my siblings may view it totally different. I find it fascinating because since we all grew up under the same roof, ate the same food, watched the same television screen ( the 80's most households in my neighbourhood had only one TV and 13 channels...can't forget the U channels..lol) Anyways, what I am learning about myself is that based on my own experiences in the mish mash of the ups and downs, my self confidence did not develope to protect me from self sabotage. I would take everything that was said to me literal and would completely shutdown. By the time I was 5 years old the chaos that ensued in my household, and not having the necessary coping skills given by my parents, by no fault of there own, was absent. They can only teach what they were taught and can only be held accountable to a certain point.

As I grew and reached puberty I found coping with life skills grew increasingly difficult. I couldn't pinpoint any one thing, but I knew I was feeling increasingly distant from my family. I am not from a huggy kissy household....it was FEAR OF GOD based and very loud. I do not want to disregard the wonderful moments because there were many. When I drank for the first time I had no clue that this, along with some serious drugs, would be my saviour for the next fifteen years. I must say I hid my drug addiction from my family, but they knew I was a problem drinker from the get go. From the start, my mother knew that I had a substance problem because I remember the time I was brought home all bombed up and passed out in the living room. The next day my mother told me she was concerned about my behaviour and never was at ease about my well being ever since. That was 1995.

I love my mother and I love my family. We, nor anybody else for that matter, is perfect and mistakes do occur in family circles. What does matter is that whenever I am in trouble they are there to help me. Protect me. Never did they ever hint at shunning me for my behaviours and I am telling you sometimes it was trying for the family as a whole. My family has a strong but very strange bond but we really love each other for what is important. That is to see that we live a happy life. every one. My siblings and I are all past the age of thirty and have so much more responsibilties then ever before, but I do know this..with what I know and what I have been through ..my family is the first place I will turn to for help.

A New Beginning

2009-03-01T21:16:00.000-05:00

On Friday February 13 2009 My time in rehab had come to an end. I am extremely anxious about what my life is going to be like without having a counsellour watching over me, a curfew, a regimented daily routine to follow...this is what life is and this is what is going to be a challenge for me. It dawned on me the moment I exited the front doors , with what bags I could carry, like a huge rush of adrenoline. It was the same feeling I had when I got my diploma in highschool at the graduation. I am now free to be an adult but by doing so must make smart choices.

During my six month stay in rehab it was told to me that this would be the perfect opportunity to rediscover who I am, or/and who I can be. People in the real world do not get a chance to be fed, housed, and be looked after (for free) so I can get to my core and build a stronger sense of self and confidence..so I am very lucky to have such an opportunity. I believe the skills that I learned and the advice given is enough for me to begin a safe journey. I do have to continue to remind myself that I am not invinsible and will need continued support from fellow addicts who are in recovery, because they know exactly what it is I am dealing with. The only thing I am concerned with is that we are addicts and when one falls others tend to follow if your not careful. I need to be constantly aware of who is being true to their recovery and who isn't because that is a recipe for disaster when addicts follow each other down the path of relapse!!

The week leading up to my exit I wrote out a recovery plan...for example I wrote up a meal plan for the week, which will pretty much stay the same, so I don't have to put much thought in grocery shopping or what to make on any given day. I wrote down the days I'll attend sober meetings, what days I go to the gym, reminders on what months to go to the doctor and dentist and so on...this enables me to at least have order in my day to day so I am not all over the map. My one big issue that will be a challenge and is extremely important is when I go to bed and when I awake. To keep a full day and not fall into old habits I MUST NOT screw around with my sleep. One day at a time they say..one day at a time. That is all. That is it. My life iss gonna be a challenge but I am looking forward to it, one day at a time!

Moving Mom

2008-11-30T19:55:00.000-05:00

I've been anticipating the day when my mother would have to give up living in the house she is or was for thatmatter living in. For the past ten years or so I have used this space as a refuge whenever I messed up and needed some tender loving motherly affection and care. I knew it was a bad idea cause it was a crutch for me and didn't allow me to grow up and deal with my issues and problems as an adult. Ever since I can remember I have been always co-dependent, although I hate to admit it it is true.

Anyways, this past weekend my mother is moving to a 1 bedroom apartment in a seniors style setting. That means myself or any of my brothers for that matter cannot use her place as a crash pad for convenience anymore. Time to grow up, it's about bloody time anyways, I am in my thirties after all..so really how long was I gonna continue living half assed or willing to let mom save the day over and over again. I am looking forward and eager to move forward with caution but still have a sense of ease. I feel calm, I think this is gonna be a very good chapter for us all. New address for mom, soon I will be tackling that feet myself but trust me I couldn't be happier!

2008-11-16T21:59:00.001-05:00

God Grant Me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage tochange the things that I can

And the wisdom to KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

Living in an Ordinary World

2008-11-10T21:19:00.000-05:00

I found myself pondering on the idea that I cannot for some reason grasp the idea of an ordinary life. Being an addict has made it very difficult for me to see the joy and beauty of the things around me, without the aid of drugs and/or alcohol. I have always thought of myself as different or special in a way that I can feel wanted for some reason or another. It isn't that I don't have a mass amount of support but in some ways I feel the need to be validated at all times. I have so many questions about why I can't use certain substances like so many people, who just go through a phase and then grow up. Me, not so much. I have to be the one that needs to party, party, and party some more....

Ordinary world, is there such a thing. Am I just allowing myself the excuse to be unproductive and irresponsible, or can I have valid reasons for my unwillingness to go beyond and tackle the fears that I harbour.